Thursday, 18 June 2015

Free.

Dedicated to Andy Lazenby and Sharon Macdonald from The uckfield free site on Facebook.
 
Things for free, need a new home
A pair of skates, a novelty phone
a load of bricks and garden chair
Put on Uckfield free. We don’t care

A satellite dish, a garden pond
one of harry potters wands
A Barbie doll with just one hand
A giant ball of rubber bands

A Broken lamp, a strange stuffed cat
One welly and a cowboy hat
A rather fetching pair of socks
A clock with a tick, it has no tock

A teddy bear that’s moulted slightly
Furry handcuffs, just used nightly
A blown up sheep, a chewed dog bone
A singing, mooning garden gnome

The one ring to rule them all
A catapult and cannon ball
the holy grail, an Egyptian mummy
An ice cream that’s gone all runny

Do not charge, it’s not allowed
to give away, it does your proud
To help a stranger, don’t be a grump
it saves you a trip to the dump.
 
 
 
 

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Whimsical what's


Whimsical what's
 
One must learn when buying things
what is the meaning of your bling?

Some words are needed to excite
a person of a certain type.

But normal people, you and me
knows the truth naturally.

So stick with me, and watch and learn
know which words mean loose or earn.

Shabby chic- shabby with no chic.

Retro- Plastic means it leaks.

Distressed- It’s been dropped upon its head.

Very in-  Soon to be dead.

Dashing-  Always means unpleasant.

A must have-  An unwanted birthday present.

Smart-  Boring plain and green.

Swanky- Tacky priced obscene.

Debonair-  Its mass produced.

Suave- Boring, flat, reintroduced.

Refined- it was fine then they broke it.

Loved- Over used, found in bits.

Antique look- New, just been lacquered.

Pre 1950s- Means it’s knackered.

Loved- Over used, crap at start.
Well put together- Can’t now take it apart.

Whimsical- Batteries not included.

Quirky- Taste has been excluded.

Bang on trend- It’s really not at all

A twist- something unpleasant will call
 
 


For sale. A nice set of whimsical drawers, hit with a hammer and painted with battle ship grey paint for a nice antique feel to it. Also dropped from a four floor window for the old wonky old feeling.
handles bought in Home base and set fire and left in garden for four years.
This wonderful piece of furniture has been well loved by some hens who have laid eggs in the drawers and pooped on the top.
As seen on Gum tree under the
please take this crap off my hands section.


I’d like to dedicate this to Jan Silver and her band of evil minions for helping me compile a list of words that really ‘do their heads in’


Tuesday, 26 May 2015

investigators of the paranormal


It twas a dark and stormy night
for ghouls and witches to cause a fright
for investigators of the paranormal
or to you and me, not. Really normal

With cameras made just for the dark
And gadgets that flash with a spark
and heavy stuff they use to record
The other side, if they feel bored

There was Andrew, betty, Sid and Sue
Came all the way down south from Crewe
So our intrepid heroes seek thrill
A haunted house near Burgess hill

They wait till dark, till the moon is fat
and enter the house to see a rat
The girls shrieked, Oh my! They said
the witches familiar it’s not dead!

And so they venture deep within
the cellars the place to begin
To call the witch from beyond the grave
was of course Andrew’s brainwave

And so they sit upon the floor
There’s not much room, it is a chore
And pull out their Ouija board
for now the spirits must be explored

A candle is lit. It gives no light
and shadows dance, to give a fright.
Anyone there? Andrew mutters
Speak to us Betty stutters

Oh Sid look an orb. A moth is seen
Its wings are brightly evergreen
It flies towards the candle light
to burst into flames, oh what a fright

Another orb says Sue quite loud
it seems to have a fire shroud
it must be evil, there’s no doubt
Again the girls let out a shout

I feel a presence whispered Andrew
he gasped with breath. I now feel two
Who is there? please speak now
A bead of sweat dripped down his brow

Suddenly a flash of light
Again our hero's had a fright
what the hell? a voice  said in chord


who the hell are you and why are you sitting in my larder with a candle and an Ouija board?
Yes they had broke into the wrong house.









 

Saturday, 2 May 2015

Singed

Day 30

Here we come in our crowds

Damn pagans! we are loud
always with the drumming
there is always one
I am sorry but drumming is not that fun
gives me a headache

Nought to do we mead
Morris dances now do lead
here comes the may queen
and Jack in the green
and the may pole looks quite rude

So they fires are all lit
look at Jenny being a tit
fertility jumping over pyres
no wonder she caught her crouch on fire
she was naked

 
Blessed Beltane for all my pagan chums
 




 

The hardest poem i have ever written

Warning, this poem may contain triggers.
 
 
I was about the leave nothing on my mind
innocent and shy leaving all behind
Dancing on the floor in the local club
Did not expect for your hand to rub
Shocked and dismayed I said nothing then
It wasn't even late not gone half past ten
I didn't hear you in the shadows hidden
My thoughts were of home, yours forbidden
I thought you were ashamed of your dirty dance
and came out to see if your sorry would get a chance
Nobody was there, drink fuelled a rage
and so you decided to write a new page
I should not have stopped, trusting handsome guys
he grabbed hold of me, I let out a sigh
I told him to go and let go of me
And hoped that innocence would take care of me
It was all of a whirl when he dragged me there
under the trees were the shadows fare
he pushed by quite hard into the wall
And spat in my ear, saying not to call
I felt him reach down to my legs and thigh
and under my skirt he let out a sigh
I cried straight away begged him to stop
as he started to then undo my top
I heard then a zip........

He loosen his grip
I ran and hid in a ditch at the back of the club

 till the pub shut 2 hours later and walked home

And never spoke of it till now

and stayed ashamed for over 30 years.

Being called frigid
 
 
 
 




I dont know who he was. I never saw him again.

Id like to thank Ione Wells for her bravery



Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Last one I promice

Day 29
 
I knew a man called Bailey
He played the Ukulele
He visited me Daily
He second name was Twine


Bailey Twine.......I'll get me coat.




Talking of names

Day 28
 
I had another friend.
I DID
His name of course was...ahem!
Sid
He said to me one day
HE DID
I need a Barbara in my life
someone to take for my wife
I asked him why
(no need to sigh)
To call her Barb, I have desire
Because my surname is
WIRE.

And it would be really funny to be married to Barb Wire