Thursday, 27 November 2014

The shaman that went to jail.

I am a hard working shaman with a bachelor's degree
got top marks on my learning in the university
With my newly shaman workshop and my sweat lodge that is great
I now charge for healings working nine to half past eight

If you have any problems with your health and feeling glum
I can call the spirits with the help of my skin drum
and soon they will a gather and the magic will begin
as soon as I have paid them with a glass of my sloe gin.

You need not start to worry about the contents of your tea
it is all the best ingredient's for healing naturally
There some tree bark from a willow, a dash of broken flint
from berries from a yew tree and a pinch of garden mint.
 
what you mean you're feeling woozy? Ah the spirits are now here
there is no need for the panic, no reason now to fear
They are speaking now to me and giving me a sign
they say I should call the ambulance and all will fine

There is no point for the shouting nor the threats of legal suing
I have healed many people with this path I am pursuing
I have cured a man of baldness and a lady with a cold
all made from the ingredients of bread that gone to mould

I am a hard working shaman with a bachelor's degree
got top marks on my learning in the university
With my newly shaman workshop and my sweat lodge that is great
You can visit me in prison at the time of ten past eight.



part of life.

She is with me, the Goddess I know
comes when I ask her to show
shines her light behind the clouds
her moon, her smile

She says to me, come now child
and run with me in places wild
I hear her step upon the leaves
breaking twigs

Her honest truths are in my ear
no vow she makes to remove fear
encouragement she will though give
with an open hand

She says to me, come now child
run with me, she smiled
it doesn't matter if you trip
and fall on your arse.

Its part of life.

My goddess has a sense of humour















Sunday, 23 November 2014

Posh and British.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Some do feel anxiety in the British society
to be one of high class don’t you know.
But learning is simple, and just like a pimple
when you get it, it will never then go.

One must start pursuing to learn about queuing
in an act of being patient and true.
One must push forward, it’s never straightforward
to jump in the front of the queue.

Have manners when speaking but never with shrieking
remember to speak softly but strong.
For classes inferior you must be superior
and point out the times they speak wrong.

You must talk about Weather in a group altogether
and always must utter these words.
‘oh nature is teasing thus always displeasing
this rain I must say is quite absurd!’

Stand up for Nobility with mental ability
to learn ‘God save the Queen’ harmony.
There should be provision, for the upmost decision
to know when to sing out of key.

Remember on Sundays and never on Mondays
is the time to wash cars in your care.
There is no misdemeanour to hire a cleaner
and watch the lass clean from your chair.

You will find it quite tiring, with all the staff hiring
to gather sometime when you’re bored.
A foreign vacation and some nice recreation
then you moan about those from abroad.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Help us

Have a thought for depressed folks
And this festive time of year
for they do not have fun at all
So do not force your cheer

Maybe they feel quite lonely
And do not find it good
and comments like baa humbug
don’t put them in the mood

Maybe they need a helping hand
And kindness to be showed
Maybe a little come and join
a welcoming bestowed

A simple wish for everyone
to join and to be loved
sometimes a sad person thinks
that corners they are shoved

But then my words fall on death ears
For depressed people yearly
are ignored by their human friends
and never thought of dearly

The sad thing of the matter is
some may now say I’m wrong
help them out when you can
because you may notice when they’re gone.

carol singers

Oh god, here they come, not a nice sight
carol singers on my front drive tonight.
In truth if it wasn’t this time of the year
my sarcasm for them would be much more clear

Christmas cheer. Part one

Ding Dong merrily on high
the local’s shops are singing.
We have put our prices up
and tacky things we’ve slinging.
Can’t buy anything that is plain
our tinsel is the main thing.
There’s not point you should complain
its local, made in Peking.
Get one free if you buy ten
on biscuits with no sales date.
Buy the lot for those at work
and others that you do hate.
Weeks till Christmas but you buy
and then erect your spruce tree.
Two days later it does die
and leave you will just bare wood.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

hypochondriacs part 1.

Dedicated to my mother and her best friend Lesley. Whose conversations have me in hysterics.



Here come Mildred and Bertha
             waiting for the bus into town
they sit on the chair on the bus stop
             both seem to be wearing a frown.

My varicose veins are killing me
             says Mildred holding on to her knees
these surgical stockings are awful
             but at least they do match my chemise.

Well said Bertha rather abruptly
            my hip replacement is not going well
I can hardly bend down for the paper
           nor walk my old dog Silly bell.

       Well my bed sores are worse said Mildred
           More badly than the ones that you had
the doc says I will soon be in hospital
           because they could be getting too bad.

   My bunions are bad said old Bertha
          my feet feel like two giant bricks
I may get a wheelchair with a motor
         because I barely walk well with sticks.

Well said Mildred my back is still aching
         three discs at a guess have just slipped
So much pain in my back causes fainting
        it does feel that my old backs been whipped.

Well said Bertha I think I have glaucoma
       I can barely see out of my eyes
they said I will soon need a blind dog
      the white stick won’t work cos I’ve tried